Coffee Talk: Ghosting in a not-so-pink milennial Dating world

I never thought I would find myself sitting down to write about my dating life or lack thereof. But I did promise to be more raw and personal on the blog this year so here goes nothing.

After getting over the heartbreak from my first and only long term relationship , my friends told me I had to jump on the Bumble bandwagon. They said it’s the “better Tinder”, the place where women “lead by talking first “.  I was one intrigued bumble bee so naturally I had to check it out. In about 4.5 minutes, I was able to download the app, connect my Facebook account, upload five of my most liked photos on instagram and get a couple left and right swipes. I gotta admit, the swiping was SO fun at first. I started to wonder why people even went to cafes or benches to people watch when you could do that in the comfort of your bed.  At 11pm. With a face mask on. I have to say that my clay mask would feel a little dry every time I would cringe when I stumbled upon a profile of someone I knew in real life but the discomfort wasn't bad enough for me to ghost on the app. When I was reaaally bored, I would change my settings to " interested in women" just to see what I competing with. Pro tip: do not do that, I have come to realize that they only show you the girls interested in girls. Duh. Anyway, I was one loyal bumble bee. I was also a rather picky one- I had made a silly policy where I would ONLY allow myself to initiate conversations with men who extended their time on me. If you have no idea what I’m talking about: men on Bumble can’t talk first so if a women does not message them by 24 hours, the match disappears. Unless, of course, they extend the time by 24 hours. Only 1 in 5 men would extend the time on me but I lived for those who did. 

I believe it was a Tuesday night ( as Taylor Swift would write in a song) when Cram ( not his real name) caught my finger mid left swipe. I accidentally left swiped but shook my phone so hard so I can get a backtrack swipe. His profile popped back up again and it was who I thought it was. See, I had actually met this guy a few weeks prior in a café line- we talked about croissants or donuts and I had sworn that he was too coward to make a move . Is Bumble giving us another chance, I thought ?! I  swiped right and BAM! it was a match. I knew he couldn’t talk first on the app but I also hoped that he would be smart enough to use the time extension on me. He wasn’t that smart so I didn’t initiate convo and the match disappeared 24 hours later. Fast forward three days..guess who I find in the same café ? Yup, same ol' Cram. We awkwardly joke about how we matched and he finally asks me out. 

For the first time in a long time, I was excited about a date! Mostly because this was someone who I could actually say " I met in a cafe on a Wednesday". Bumble was merely a catalyst you know? Anyway, the date never happened. He vanished into thin air leaving me scratching my head at what I could have possibly done to scare him away. No one can be that rude I thought- I was almost certain that something horrible happened to the bloke. Heck, I almost checked obituaries because only death itself could be a suitable excuse for him falling off the face of the earth.
Turns out, he is alive- just a ghoster. If you don’t know what that means then chances are that you have been very lucky in your love life OR living under a rock for the best few years. In which case, can you check to see if he is there too?  I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel rejected for a day..or three. Ghosting sucks and I wish indifferent cowards who do it know that... but they don’t. What I do know is that you have to make peace with the fact that you may never know why that person disappeared. Maybe they were going through something in their lives that caused them to isolate themselves or maybe another friend or relationship became a priority. Heck, maybe they’re just a very shitty human being. Or all of the above or none of the above. The point is’ll likely never know ! So you have two options: beat your head repeatedly into a wall trying to figure out the un-figure-out-able or you can simply move on with your life. 

If someone ghosts you and is still Facebook friends with you or watches your social stories, please do not try to prove your worth to them. I have been guilty of this in the past but it leads nowhere.If a person is not interested, he/ she is not interested. Period. Nothing you can do will change that and if you have to prove your value to someone , they are not right for you. Trust me the right person will know your value and will cherish and respect that about you.

Sadly, our generation has been fooled into believing that perfection is attainable. Is it on instagram? #Maybe. Real life though? Nah, not attainable. Never has been, never will be, and, yet we are all looking for that perfect individual. No matter how unrealistic our expectations are, the disappointment we feel when they aren't achieved is very real. Ghosting will only become a norm with every new app making easier to access the " plenty of fish in the sea". With more options, we tend to put more pressure on ourselves to make the perfect choice. Even when we choose well , we end up disappointed because we are convinced that we can do better. I'll end this coffee talk on a positive note: Karma never ghosts. Not even you, Cram.

 Until next time!

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